01 December 2009
I just don't know what's going on! My babies are getting bigger! I had told them previously that they had to stop, but they didn't listen... my "baby" is two years old in 2 weeks, and my Lily turned FOUR last week.
I carried my "baby" to bed four times tonight. His little arms wrap around my neck and one of his soft hands pats my back. He rests his head on my shoulder and says "Ma. La-oo." and I say "Love you too." I can hold him easily in my right arm, high on my side, and my other hand holds his little foot- I feel his leg and it's less fat and soft than it used to be, more sturdy and strong and stocky. I fight the thought, but he is moving fast through the toddler stage and into the kid stage. He held a 8-inch long sword for most of the day today. He wears a spider-man shirt or mask all the time. If you try to chase him down, he runs faster, and his tightly bent arms pump back and forth as he pants exaggeratedly.
The other day at church my pastor reminded us that in the garden of Gethsemane, Jesus prayed to God for what he desperately wanted (to avoid the pain of the cross) and God said "No" to him. I forget, in the familiarity of the story, that he did. I finally laid down with Nathan after I put him in bed for the fourth time... he always puts one hot hand on my neck so I don't sneak away, and he breathes on my neck and I rest my lips in his eye socket (then he can't open them). I know soon he won't do this with me, and I am reminded of why I still call him my baby.
This is the longest I've ever gone without being pregnant. Claire was 22 months old when Jackson was born, Jackson was 30 months old when Lily was born, and Lily was 23 months old when Nathan was born. Now Nathan is 22 months old and I'm not even at all pregnant. Like, it's not on my radar, not an option, not in the plan, not happening. It's a sad time. I'm not looking to the future with a new person, I'm not waiting for a due date, I'm not eyeing the baby food aisle like we have a rendesvouz any time soon. It actually occured to me that at some point, relatively soon, Nathan will be potty-trained and I won't buy diapers any more. That is like when your dog dies and you can't buy dog food anymore! I won't know what to do with myself.
I hope that one day in the future that James and I will be on the same page about foster care. I can provide a home for a short while to a baby that needs one, or a forever home to siblings who need to stay together. Just yesterday or today my husband spoke for the first time about the vague possibility of taking the foster care training, just to gather more information and learn more about it. Oh, pray for him. Our family. The kids who need homes.